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Based on recent media reports about John Kerry's personality, character and record in Vietnam, we put together a humorous look at what Kerry may do if he was a paintball player.
Firstly, Kerry would realize how manly a game like paintball may make him look in front of the ladies and would volunteer to go. He would be the most vocal proponent of paintball at family gatherings and would talk about how manly he is to his high school buddies.
Once at the field, Kerry would be the guy who brings the MiniDV video camera and have his friends video tape his heroic actions, to show the ladies at a later date. At the end of the day, after realizing that none of the footage showed him doing anything heroic, he would attempt to reinact the scenes and "act out" his great moves. Later that night, he would upload his footage to his blog, so that everyone can see how heroic and courageous he is.
As the games continue, John would hunker back. He would "volunteer" to defend the base, as any patriotic paintballer would do. As his team slowly began eroding, he would take a paintball out of his hopper, squeeze it until it burst, then wipe the paint on his mask. "I'm out, I'm out!" he would shout as the other team gets within fifty yards of his position.
In other games, he would volunteer to play forward, run out like a madman when the game begins, and as soon as the first shots are heard, he would raise his hands and call himself out. On the way out, he would grab some old paint off the ground, rub it on his chest, and proceed to tell everyone how the opposite team spent hours hunting him down and finally eliminated him.
Later, he would use his fabricated stories about his "fantasy moves" to try to get some type of award or certificate saying he had courage. When he realizes that he only needs a couple more of these stories to be viewed as the ultimate paintball hero, and never have to play again, he starts accelrating the rate of his "self-inflicted outs." While paintball doesn't award any Purple Hearts, he still feels that these stories bode well for his reputation, and will go a long way in impressing very rich ladies that he could eventually marry and mooch off.
To cap it all off, at the end of the game, he would go to the referees and complain that his own team mates were cheating, wiping paint, shooting at eliminated players and shooting wildlife. He even claims that one of his buddies took off another player's mask and shot him in the face a few times.
After getting married to the rich young lady of his dreams and living off her family's fortune, that is hidden in off-shore Swiss Bank accounts, he would declare that he is against the game of paintball and would speak in front of congress and lobby for the end of paintball. He would attempt to use his "glorious" paintball past in an attempt to fortify his claims.
In the future when he decides to run for president of the National Association of Paintball Players, a group of his buddies start to lobby against him. Eventually, no one knows who to believe and he ends up with a tarnished reputation and the incumbent president has to calm everyone down and wins the election.
Note: This is only for humor, this is not an endorsement of any kind. We have not endorsed any candidates yet.